Being childfree by choice: five women on why they decided not to have kids (2023)

Introduction

As part of the Guardian's Childfree series, five women discuss why having children isn't for them – and how others perceive them as a result. 'There's no wrong way to be a woman,' says Sabrina, 25.
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Video

I love to play with children.

I think there I think children are brilliant I.

Think you have so much to teach and don't so I, appreciate them for that.

I just won't be having my own the world perceives child-free women in the most negative light possible, I think, it's, not a need for a woman anymore.

We don't need to have children.

We we find that our own happiness is more important or mental health is more important.

We have been called selfish.

We've been called narcissists, which is kind of strange.

I do have a co-worker who recently had a baby.

All of my other co-workers were like ogling over him and and making silly faces.

And I'm just like typing away I was like computer, I'm still wearing new and I didn't want to have children it's hard to say, only because I don't ever feel like I.

Did I don't know what the feeling is like to want to have children.

You know when I ain't in groups and they are persons talking about wanting children and I don't know how to respond in middle school.

And one of my friends, she said, she never had the desire to have kids.

And she said that and I was like, oh, oh I can I didn't realize that that was an option.

And when she said that I was like I, don't know, if I want to have kids either what really sealed the deal for me was my time as a teacher and my time as a nanny, I, remember feeling, two different ways about my students.

One was that I wanted to adopt them all and keep them and taking a take care of them and love them and nurture them.

And then the other part of me was like, oh, my gosh.

This is all day every day and that's when the first seeds of maybe this isn't for me started to spring up, I knew for sure that having kids was not what I wanted to do.

Because of my gut, instinctive reaction, which was kind of like illness, kind of like kind of like a tunnel that just shot out in front of me and looked very very dark I, find it very interesting that a lot of the people who do give me pushback I'm, not wanting to have kids are women if you are women, and you don't understand why somebody else doesn't want to have kids learn about it ask about it don't immediately like to shut them down, or think that they're heartless I don't think that I'm a heartless person hands down responses from women are way worse with with men it's more like a curiosity, like, oh, how did you come to this decision? Women see it as an invitation to convince me, otherwise it's, oh, not right now.

But you want some in the future.

What are you gonna do when you're old and you're alone? Whatever I want that's? What I'll do regret is another threat also you'll regret it.

When you get older.

The thing about regret is you don't regret? Not doing what you don't want to do my parents know, I don't want kids.

They've known pretty much my whole life, I've kind of prepped them already like don't ask because you know, the answer in terms of pressure from my family, I don't, get it quite so much from my parents, but I do get it from my grandmother pressure to marry somebody Jewish.

So that I could raise Jewish kids I understand that she's like come where she's coming from.

And like I know, she just wants the best for me.

But at the end of the day I always end, the conversation saying, it's, my decision it's, my life, identify - Athena.

My father is from the Dominican Republic he's has African roots.

My mother is from Puerto Rico.

So when I think about, you know, if I were raising a child in this world, a black child in this world, you can't control, how other people perceive that my mother was bent on me having kids, oh, they would be so perfect, but I've spoken to them and I've started saying, I'm pushing 40.

And my time is up and I've been saying that since I was 35 about 36.

But it seems to work.

My stepmother was we were fighting, and she said, you'll, see what this is like when you have kids and I said, I'm, never having kids and she said, yes, you will you don't know what you want you'll change your mind you'll, see? You know what doesn't occur to people is that a five-year-old could walk up to a grown-up and say, I, can't, wait to be a mommy when I grow, and they will never say, you'll, change your mind.

But if the little five-year-old girl comes up and says, I, don't want kids she's loony or she's, you know, she's too young.

She can't possibly know, her mind guys in my past have been like, oh, she'll, make a great mom.

This is perfect it's been important to find someone who is interested in and cares about me for me and not what I can produce for him like I have tinder.

And like I'll, see you guys on there that are like maybe 10 years older than me and they're like looking to start a family I'm like that's, probably the worst thing you could put in your bio cuz, that's making every woman run away.

I mean, at least that's, how I see it nowadays dating in New York City is really tough and I don't, go any more than look at three or four dates, not on purpose, just because you know dating sucks, but it hasn't come up.

It hasn't become a deal breaker up to this point, my partner and I were very serious in our relationship.

Once we moved in bought a home.

He and I hadn't discussion about what the ring wanted children.

And both of us agreed that we don't I think he just agreed with my decision, not to move or sold anything, um cuz.

He respects, whatever I decide to do with my body soon.

There are lots of other things that make a woman, a woman caring and nurturing I love teaching and the passing on of like traditions and culture and knowledge.

Well that stuff that goes with being a woman, but I don't have to have a child to do that why can't women have that independence? Why can't women have all these careers or have these passions that that are unhindered by any sort of extra responsibility placed on them there's, something about women who don't want kids that is in a way threatening in the same way.

A happily single woman is threatening you want to have kids that's, fine I need you to respect my life choice, not to have kids it's, a two-way street.

Women aren't allowed to ocelli make decisions in a very Way was supposed to just follow a script and I think because women who have chosen to be childless aren't following that script.

It makes it look really uncomfortable there's.

No one way to be a woman.

We all just want the best for ourselves.

So so let's let's, all accept that.